Life Behind the Cell

Dear Diary,

Today, I’m tired.

Not just the kind of tired that a good night’s sleep can fix.

I lost my nephew recently, and sometimes I don’t know whether my heart is broken or my soul is tired. There are moments when just the thought of him leaves me gasping for air.

I know grief is not linear. I know there’s no right way to grieve and no timeline for when I’m supposed to feel “okay” again. But I also know that with grief comes stress—and for me, stress can lead to pain.

I’m tired of my body reminding me that stress can turn into something much bigger for me.

I am stressed. Really stressed.

And then came the pain.

The pain landed me in the OEC for a sickle cell crisis.

I ended up needing an infusion treatment just to get my body back to a place where I could function. Sitting there receiving treatment, I kept thinking about how crazy it is that after all of this…I still have to go home and be a mom. I still have to work. I still have responsibilities. I still have to somehow be “okay.”

But right now, I don’t feel okay.

And sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel completely okay again.

That’s the part people don’t always understand.

I don’t get to put life on pause every time sickle cell decides to show up.

Sometimes I get treatment and go right back to being an employee.

Back to answering questions.

Back to handling responsibilities.

Back to being a mom.

Back to acting like I’m okay.

Meanwhile, my body is exhausted. My mind is tired. And my heart is breaking.

And if I’m being completely transparent, sometimes I don’t want to be strong.

I don’t want to “push through.”

I just want to be able to say, I’m hurting, and I need to rest, without thinking about everything that still needs to get done. Without thinking about everyone who needs me or all the things I still need to be for myself.

But this is my reality.

Today reminded me that I have to start protecting myself from stress differently. I can’t control everything that happens around me. I can’t control grief. And I can’t control the moments when missing him suddenly hits me.

But I can try to listen when my body is telling me that enough is enough.

So tonight, I’m giving myself permission to be tired.

I’m giving myself permission to relax.

No pretending.

No forcing myself to feel okay.

No trying to have it all together.

Just me, listening to my body, making space for my grief, and hoping tomorrow feels a little lighter.

Until next time,

Life Behind the Cell ❤️